See what we thought of Paul Johnson's story Absolutely Adorable Angels......and watch out for spoilers!
Go here if you would like to get your own story critiqued via the post, or click the relevant button below if you would like to request a critique online.
If you have a story of 2000 words or less it's only £5 - once your payment has gone through you will be taken to a simple-to-use online form with which you can email your piece:
If your story is between 2001 and 3000 words it's £7.50 - click here:
If your story is between 3001 and 4000 words it's £10 - click here:
Your critique will be emailed to you as a PDF file, or a printed version can be posted to you.
Here's what we thought of Paul Johnson's Absolutely Adorable Angels:
Comments
A good concept, not particularly original but handled a little differently than usual. However, not completely believable: the main character just does not come across as having the scientific know-how needed to instigate his plan, although I appreciate he has been sent to Earth by the Devil. In fact, what is a scientific concept doesn't sit particularly well with the supernatural theme that seems a little wedged in right at the end. Nicely paced, and you handle the changes of perspective well.
The section 'THE BOY THAT DID...' starts impressively with some evocative use of language and imaginative use of alliteration. The 'nagging' reference at the end does not really work as we haven't had any reference to the relationship between the boy and his parents, a relationship that you need to at least show a hint of over a line or two.
I would suggest using page numbers and having a separate title page rather than a combination of title and first page, to give a good first impression. Overall, with some work - in particular, deciding if it's 'supernatural' or 'sci-fi' or if it's a better hybrid of both - this could be a nice little page-turner.
Errors
2nd page, 6th paragraph: You have 'baldhead' instead of 'bald head'.
3rd page, 9th paragraph: 'draw' instead of 'drawer'.
6th page, first sentence: It should be 'handiwork' not 'handy work'.
8th page: You've missed the closing speech marks of the last sentence.
Further suggestions
1st page: 'Advertisement' might be preferable to 'Advert'.
2nd page: His motor 'neurones' - not an error as such, but this is more often 'neurons'.
3rd page: 'You could pay by instalments,' Dr. Raynor points at the brochure - a full stop would be better before 'Dr. Raynor'.
Same page: 'It is a safe operation, isn't it?' - use italics for 'is'.
4th page: 'And you'll get both our permission,' Alicia nudges John. - Again, use a full stop after this part of Alicia's dialogue; also, it might read better as 'And you'll get permission from both of us.' as otherwise it should be 'And you'll get both
both our permissions' which grates a little.
6th page: You have 'straightjacket' but it's more often 'straitjacket'.
7th page: 'I opened branches all over the world: Paris, New York, Miami, Delhi, Tokyo, Sydney, plus many more' - I would drop the 'plus many more' or re-word it as is it sounds weak.
Paul's story has now been accepted for publication by New Voices in Horror - well done Paul!
| 
